Pretend

Pretend

Image result for pictures of alone in a crowd

 

I walked to work this morning, carried on my day as usual, much as every other day.

The day stretched long and bleak before me.  To say I felt sick, bewildered, shocked and numb in combination was an understatement.  How was I supposed to get through this day?  Forget a day, weeks, months, years stood before me!  All alone, unescorted, unaccompanied.  I pictured that solitary figure I’d seen only last week, a single, lonely figure walking down the street hunched in sadness and sorrow  aged and so alone.  Could that be me?

Pretend, that’s what I’d do.  The sun shone brightly overhead, I did not see it or feel it’s warmth.  I straightened my back and held my head high. No one would ever know by glancing my way, I was filled with sorrow.

The breeze whisked my hair from my face, I did not feel it’s gentle caress.  Pretend, that’s what I would do.  Stroking my hair i continue on down the street unaware of it’s effort to awaken me.

A bustling street filled with people I did not know sauntered, hurried, jostled around me and I did not notice nor care.  Pretend! I scolded myself.  I placed a fake smile upon my face and walked a little faster, attempting to add purpose to my step so no one would notice how lost I was.

I wondered if I had managed to make the pretense complete.  Would anyone notice the glazed sorrowful eyes or the pain emanating from within or how bereft I felt?  Was I convincing in my deception?  Could I be that effective an actress and pretend to wear this mantra so well no questions were asked, no pity given?  Had my disguise worked? Would I ever fit in with these happy delighted joyful people or was I destined to remain on the outside looking in forever?

I woke from the dream, startled and stared around me if only to confirm that what I’d witnessed was only that, a dream.  I reached across the bed and touched my partner.  Yes he was real, this was real, the other was but a dream.  Only a dream; I congratulated myself and fell back asleep.  Only to fall through the now floating sugary wisps surrounding me, back into the unknown.  Pretend was the last word I heard.

 

 

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